In the face of shame

 

There was that broken year, on that broken road, and thank goodness I'm not on that broken road anymore, but I still reminisce sometimes to remind myself what roads not to take. 

I have not been myself for a long time, and even if I pretended not to notice, my subconscious reminds me. Sometimes we abandon ourselves because that's the pattern we've always known, and it's toxic as hell, but we keep doing it. It's hard to understand but sometimes familiar feels like love, and God....

I've been trying to love myself my whole life, and I'm telling you now, the hardest thing I've ever done is unlearn all those patterns and teach ME the right way to love. So many shameful moments. Hand over my face moment. Hands in my hair moments. But all those moments made me realize my many flaws, too many to mention and those flaws are so much larger through my own eyes. But the one flaw that suffocated me slowly was the way I gave too much to other people who only deserved me for a season. There's always been a stubbornness that never allowed me to learn my lesson. That was another in the face of shame moment for me but, NOW I KNOW, LESSON LEARNT!!

Shame is a painful feeling we all experience at one time or another. It often involves a deep-rooted fear that someone is going to find out about a mistake we made or a character flaw we have. When we feel shame, we want to hide from everyone. And it can lead to isolation and suffering. Sometimes the shame has nothing to do with what you did. You did nothing but shame is still there. Shame for me is most evident when someone knows you have a need but they have all the control and it hurts even more when you walk into a room knowing everyone knows that the need you have was cut off just like that. They walk with their head held high and you sit in the face of shame. 

In the face of shame is when people say, "they have no idea how bad they hurt you." yes they do love. They know exactly how bad they hurt you. That's why they had to disappear on you even though you see them everyday still. For them right now it's hard to look at you when they know they've destroyed some part within you. So my darling, don't ever think they don't know how bad they've hurt you. But you my darling, learn to do better. 

If you know you can help someone, no matter the situation, don't ever let that person walk around with shame that's hurting them.