The unknown burden

 

Until you release the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually the bleeding will be so much that you cannot and don't know how to stop it. You can continue to blame and point fingers, it will not stop. The bleeding will leave a massive stain which no one can clean out. You must find the strength to open your wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you captive in your past, the memories and make peace with them. 

You will continue to blame and point a finger. 

Right now I'm loving the peace in my life and it's not because I made a life changing decision, I allowed someone else to make that decision for me. Normally I would say, "don't allow others to make rules for your life, but in this case it was so good for me. A massive burden has been lifted. A burden I thought was normal. A burden I didn't know was my ultimate downfall. Today, I want to say thank you to God for allowing this burden to be lifted. 

So now, I give myself permission to rest. I was never responsible to fix everything that is broken. I do not have to try and make others happy. I now take time for me. It's time for me to replenish and you should to.

On Another Note

I feel I should probably kick some ass today. Not a person’s ass though. I’m not into kicking people. I feel I should do this day. This day wants to be embraced by me. This day can only get better if I allow it to. So, I have this feeling within me that happy days are here. Yesterday day not here anymore. In fact, yesterday was a day I feel I would repeat if I have to but, I will then choose not to dwell on the events of the moment for too long. It’s so funny looking back to yesterday’s events. It could’ve been so much worse have I allowed myself to completely loose myself and I’m so glad I did not.

I’m here, I’m excited for what’s to come and, it’s going to be great. I’m sure my mental health will be challenged still by certain events, but I am so honoured to be given daily chances. I have a family I totally adore and love. I have an amazing job with amazing people I work with daily and I wouldn’t change it, well, unless God instructs me to.

 

So my point is, I know life can be tough on you too and not just on me, but I will not be the one who makes life hard for any person on this earth. It makes me completely and utterly happy to see people do good in this world. It makes me ecstatic to see people achieve what they’ve prayed for, for many years. It makes me happy when I see people smile when they see me or when I see you.

It make me happy that there are people who don’t even have to try or pretend to be happy, those people are just sincerely kind when they see you. These are the people that just makes every day better and brighter. Those are the people that gives you the permission to want to be happy, with absolutely no restriction at all.

So on that note, that’s the person I strive to be.  

Naked, Undone, Raw, Bare.....

 

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

But, how sad when love is not returned. Your vulnerability is out there, naked, raw and you have shown how undone you can become even if just for a brief moment. What will the next step be? You, the vulnerable one has to decide and decide very quick because you cannot go on by withholding yourself from breathing. 

Because you've shown how naked you can be for someone and receiving nothing in return, is vulnerability really the birthplace of love, belonging, joy courage, empathy and creativity? Will you still allow it to be the place of hope, accountability, and authenticity? 

DECIDE!!! 

Yet, you know...

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Is that what you finally choose to still believe? 

I now know how terrible it was for my life

I recently decided to take a break from social media. I took this break because I realized it's stealing my joy. 

It's a little hard because I still pick up my phone and click on the square icons just to realize I'm no longer logged in. It's quite disappointing to realize how addicted I was all these years. The urge is there still have the icons but decided to Uninstall it rather than keep it on my phone. Social media as I see it, is a bad habit. A habit I didn't want to have. I have so much more to offer myself and my family. 

I would like to think and pray that I have the willpower to beat this habit knowing it is a massive challenge. 

These social media apps really stole my joy. I allowed it to. I would see posts or I would post words that wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but it broke my heart because it was hurting people who I believe was not strong enough not to take it personally. 

That is the terrible effect social media has on people we love and care about. You look at people's posts and become envious. You start to doubt yourself, all the while knowing they put their best foot forward, especially on social media. 

Most people are not posting pictures of their dirty laundry piling up. Most people wouldn't post how their husband is beating them up. Most people wouldn't post how their toddler just swore at them or how their teenager just messed something up that you worked so hard for. (Although some would post it just for a good laugh). For the good part, some people post what they've achieved. Even though this is true, some would just rub it in others faces. This kind of thing, just stole so much of my joy. Therefore, a break is needed. Maybe even a permanent one. I have absolutely nothing against others who enjoys social media just like I did. But I made a choice, enough is definitely more than enough. 

Social Media, what bliss it was, until I allowed it to break my heart. 

Not only has it been blissful, but I have more time, way more time now. I'm tackling projects that I had been putting off because I “didn’t have enough time.”

I am living more in the moment. I truly concentrated on my children’s stories, and I hear clearly what's in their hearts. 

There's no phone in my hand!

I brainstorm more. I started writing again, and surely joy fills my heart. My blog posts are here, no more sharing it on Facebook or Instagram. Here, it will be found by whoever, when it's indeed needed. 

It’s like I've woken up.

Woken up from a social media coma, coming back to reality where I realized my life can and will be good again.

 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Phil.4:8

What I got in return for deleting my Facebook.

If you came to this post because you think there is some kind of giveaway going on, I’m sorry to disappoint you. There isn’t. I did receive several gifts in exchange for deleting my Facebook, but no one gave them to me. They sort of materialized as a natural consequence of opting out.

I deleted my Facebook because I felt that it was wasting my time. I didn’t want to spend any more of my minutes on Facebook, so I deleted it. I thought about the accumulation of all those minutes spent scrolling through things I don’t actually care about, in hopes of coming across something I did care about. How many posts of lunches, political views, pictures of kids doing mundane things did I waste my minutes on? Imagine what I could do if I got those minutes back each day. I'm learning so much about myself and it's all happening at this age. I missed out on so much of my life by focusing such a massive distraction. 

The reclaiming of my time was a pleasant side effect of deleting Facebook, but the biggest change I’ve noticed is that I got my brain back. By brain I mean my attention span, my ability to concentrate, my level of attachment to my phone. I think most people do not realize how compulsive social media makes you. It was engineered that way on purpose. The more you “engage,” the more ads you see and the more money they make. They need you to be hooked, to check your phone like you have OCD, because your attention is the product they sell to advertisers. We get addicted to social media QUICKLY, and by design. I think most of us are addicted, even though few would admit it. Most of us check our phones multiple times per day, not five or ten, but closer to a hundred, or even in the hundreds, depending on our level of engagement with social media.

 I have no real reason to check my phone because I knew there was nothing on it. It would ring if anyone called me, and who calls anymore? All of a sudden this tether from my hand to my phone, and more importantly my attention to my phone, was severed. I was free from the tyranny of the cell phone. 

The only reason I have my phone is because I have amazing sermons on it. And I just have to plug my earphones in and listen. It reminds me of what my brain really needs. 

One thing I'm so happy about is, I don't have to document my thought and feelings on Facebook anymore. I can just write a blog and just leave it there. It doesn't have to be shared on Facebook because eventually someone will read it when it's really needed. Blogging is a way of sharing, but it happens much less often and I don’t find that it dominates my life the same way as Facebook or Instagram. I write about a particular topic, or a certain trip I took, instead of constantly being on the lookout for little moments that would make good social media posts. Put simply, blogging is less invasive.

In our society, I feel that peace is hard to come by. I’ll take what I can get, even if it means dropping out of social media.