The unknown burden

 

Until you release the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually the bleeding will be so much that you cannot and don't know how to stop it. You can continue to blame and point fingers, it will not stop. The bleeding will leave a massive stain which no one can clean out. You must find the strength to open your wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you captive in your past, the memories and make peace with them. 

You will continue to blame and point a finger. 

Right now I'm loving the peace in my life and it's not because I made a life changing decision, I allowed someone else to make that decision for me. Normally I would say, "don't allow others to make rules for your life, but in this case it was so good for me. A massive burden has been lifted. A burden I thought was normal. A burden I didn't know was my ultimate downfall. Today, I want to say thank you to God for allowing this burden to be lifted. 

So now, I give myself permission to rest. I was never responsible to fix everything that is broken. I do not have to try and make others happy. I now take time for me. It's time for me to replenish and you should to.

On Another Note

I feel I should probably kick some ass today. Not a person’s ass though. I’m not into kicking people. I feel I should do this day. This day wants to be embraced by me. This day can only get better if I allow it to. So, I have this feeling within me that happy days are here. Yesterday day not here anymore. In fact, yesterday was a day I feel I would repeat if I have to but, I will then choose not to dwell on the events of the moment for too long. It’s so funny looking back to yesterday’s events. It could’ve been so much worse have I allowed myself to completely loose myself and I’m so glad I did not.

I’m here, I’m excited for what’s to come and, it’s going to be great. I’m sure my mental health will be challenged still by certain events, but I am so honoured to be given daily chances. I have a family I totally adore and love. I have an amazing job with amazing people I work with daily and I wouldn’t change it, well, unless God instructs me to.

 

So my point is, I know life can be tough on you too and not just on me, but I will not be the one who makes life hard for any person on this earth. It makes me completely and utterly happy to see people do good in this world. It makes me ecstatic to see people achieve what they’ve prayed for, for many years. It makes me happy when I see people smile when they see me or when I see you.

It make me happy that there are people who don’t even have to try or pretend to be happy, those people are just sincerely kind when they see you. These are the people that just makes every day better and brighter. Those are the people that gives you the permission to want to be happy, with absolutely no restriction at all.

So on that note, that’s the person I strive to be.  

Naked, Undone, Raw, Bare.....

 

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

But, how sad when love is not returned. Your vulnerability is out there, naked, raw and you have shown how undone you can become even if just for a brief moment. What will the next step be? You, the vulnerable one has to decide and decide very quick because you cannot go on by withholding yourself from breathing. 

Because you've shown how naked you can be for someone and receiving nothing in return, is vulnerability really the birthplace of love, belonging, joy courage, empathy and creativity? Will you still allow it to be the place of hope, accountability, and authenticity? 

DECIDE!!! 

Yet, you know...

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Is that what you finally choose to still believe? 

I now know how terrible it was for my life

I recently decided to take a break from social media. I took this break because I realized it's stealing my joy. 

It's a little hard because I still pick up my phone and click on the square icons just to realize I'm no longer logged in. It's quite disappointing to realize how addicted I was all these years. The urge is there still have the icons but decided to Uninstall it rather than keep it on my phone. Social media as I see it, is a bad habit. A habit I didn't want to have. I have so much more to offer myself and my family. 

I would like to think and pray that I have the willpower to beat this habit knowing it is a massive challenge. 

These social media apps really stole my joy. I allowed it to. I would see posts or I would post words that wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but it broke my heart because it was hurting people who I believe was not strong enough not to take it personally. 

That is the terrible effect social media has on people we love and care about. You look at people's posts and become envious. You start to doubt yourself, all the while knowing they put their best foot forward, especially on social media. 

Most people are not posting pictures of their dirty laundry piling up. Most people wouldn't post how their husband is beating them up. Most people wouldn't post how their toddler just swore at them or how their teenager just messed something up that you worked so hard for. (Although some would post it just for a good laugh). For the good part, some people post what they've achieved. Even though this is true, some would just rub it in others faces. This kind of thing, just stole so much of my joy. Therefore, a break is needed. Maybe even a permanent one. I have absolutely nothing against others who enjoys social media just like I did. But I made a choice, enough is definitely more than enough. 

Social Media, what bliss it was, until I allowed it to break my heart. 

Not only has it been blissful, but I have more time, way more time now. I'm tackling projects that I had been putting off because I “didn’t have enough time.”

I am living more in the moment. I truly concentrated on my children’s stories, and I hear clearly what's in their hearts. 

There's no phone in my hand!

I brainstorm more. I started writing again, and surely joy fills my heart. My blog posts are here, no more sharing it on Facebook or Instagram. Here, it will be found by whoever, when it's indeed needed. 

It’s like I've woken up.

Woken up from a social media coma, coming back to reality where I realized my life can and will be good again.

 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Phil.4:8

What I got in return for deleting my Facebook.

If you came to this post because you think there is some kind of giveaway going on, I’m sorry to disappoint you. There isn’t. I did receive several gifts in exchange for deleting my Facebook, but no one gave them to me. They sort of materialized as a natural consequence of opting out.

I deleted my Facebook because I felt that it was wasting my time. I didn’t want to spend any more of my minutes on Facebook, so I deleted it. I thought about the accumulation of all those minutes spent scrolling through things I don’t actually care about, in hopes of coming across something I did care about. How many posts of lunches, political views, pictures of kids doing mundane things did I waste my minutes on? Imagine what I could do if I got those minutes back each day. I'm learning so much about myself and it's all happening at this age. I missed out on so much of my life by focusing such a massive distraction. 

The reclaiming of my time was a pleasant side effect of deleting Facebook, but the biggest change I’ve noticed is that I got my brain back. By brain I mean my attention span, my ability to concentrate, my level of attachment to my phone. I think most people do not realize how compulsive social media makes you. It was engineered that way on purpose. The more you “engage,” the more ads you see and the more money they make. They need you to be hooked, to check your phone like you have OCD, because your attention is the product they sell to advertisers. We get addicted to social media QUICKLY, and by design. I think most of us are addicted, even though few would admit it. Most of us check our phones multiple times per day, not five or ten, but closer to a hundred, or even in the hundreds, depending on our level of engagement with social media.

 I have no real reason to check my phone because I knew there was nothing on it. It would ring if anyone called me, and who calls anymore? All of a sudden this tether from my hand to my phone, and more importantly my attention to my phone, was severed. I was free from the tyranny of the cell phone. 

The only reason I have my phone is because I have amazing sermons on it. And I just have to plug my earphones in and listen. It reminds me of what my brain really needs. 

One thing I'm so happy about is, I don't have to document my thought and feelings on Facebook anymore. I can just write a blog and just leave it there. It doesn't have to be shared on Facebook because eventually someone will read it when it's really needed. Blogging is a way of sharing, but it happens much less often and I don’t find that it dominates my life the same way as Facebook or Instagram. I write about a particular topic, or a certain trip I took, instead of constantly being on the lookout for little moments that would make good social media posts. Put simply, blogging is less invasive.

In our society, I feel that peace is hard to come by. I’ll take what I can get, even if it means dropping out of social media.

Superficial Spirituality versus Genuine Humility

Matthew 23 - Then Jesus addressed both the crowds and his disciples and said, 2 “The religious scholars and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat[a] as the authorized interpreters of the Law. 3 So listen and follow what they teach, but don’t do what they do, for they tell you one thing and do another. 4 They tie on your backs an oppressive burden of religious obligations and insist that you carry them, but will never lift a finger to help ease your load. 5 Everything they do is done for show and to be noticed by others. They want to be seen as holy, so they wear oversized prayer boxes on their arms and foreheads with Scriptures inside, and wear extra-long tassels on their outer garments.[b] 6 They crave the seats of highest honor at banquets and in their meeting places. 7 And how they love to be admired by men with their titles of respect, aspiring to be recognized in public and have others call them ‘Reverend.’[c]8 “But you are to be different from that. You are not to be called ‘master,’[d] for you have only one Master, and you are all brothers and sisters. 9 And you are not to be addressed as ‘father,’[e] for you have one Father, who is in heaven. 10 Nor are you to be addressed as ‘teacher,’[f] for you have one Teacher, the Anointed One.[g] 11 The greatest among you will be the one who always serves others. 12 Remember this: If you have a lofty opinion of yourself and seek to be honored, you will be humbled. But if you have a modest opinion of yourself and choose to humble yourself, you will be honored.”

Changing the way I think and act

You want to mess with me in the natural? Let me tell you what I'm gonna do. I will handle you in the Spirit. How draining is it to constantly fight with someone in the natural. You have to physically prepare yourself. You have to have your facts straight. Your argument can be turned against you at any time. You are so upset and all you want to do is just get your feelings and emotions across to this person and in the end, your whole argument is turned against you. 

God says:

"Our fight is not against people on earth but against the rulers and authorities and the powers of this world’s darkness, against the spiritual powers of evil in the heavenly world..." Ephesians 6:12

This is the only way we need to handle things. This for me is extremely hard, but if I want things to turn around in my favor, I have no choice but to handle you in the Spirit but, we have to go and take authority over those things or that someone that is messing with us in the natural.

What do we do? We pray. 

That is the weapon that disarms the darkness. When we pray, God releases visions that will guide and show us how to be gracious, merciful and still loving towards those who mess with us. 

We are in a time where so many of us are edgy, we suspect any person of anything. We are paranoid and it causes chaos. I can vouch for that. I have never in my entire life been so mentally challenged as I have been this year. My mental health has definitely affected my spiritual health. But you know what, God is more present in my life now than He has ever been. He was there all the time, but I took his presence for granted because I know He's just there. And I am extremely grateful. 

How much do you want it?

FREEDOM

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants.

"we do have some freedom of choice"

 

2. the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

"the shark thrashed its way to freedom"

 

I totally agree with number 1. We all need to speak up for ourselves and for each other. The Bible even says it in Proverbs 31:8 "Speak up for those who can't speak for themselves,
    for the rights of all who need an advocate."

But then there's a different kind of freedom number two speaks of. I chose this freedom. This freedom can and will only come when you truly and desperately want it. When you've had enough of what life throws at you. When you've had enough of what people or social media throws at you.

This freedom can only be birthed in your soul. Deep within yourself, because you desperately seek for it. You want it so bad to the point where you realize that Jesus is the only ONE that can give it. It's already there, but it has to be activated. God's answer to loss of freedom has always been Jesus Christ. Jesus even says it;

'The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
    and recovering of sight to the blind,
    to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.'

 

We can be free from anything that enslaves us. The scary and absolute amazing things is, God gives us the freedom to choose our own path. We can do whatever we want. We can either stay captive (enslaved) or, we can be free which obviously still comes with challenges, but freedom is ours. We were created human beings and not robots and we don't have to accept the freedom He gives, however, with the state our lives and many things around us are in, it's best to choose the freedom He gives. It's a free will to accept or reject. Acceptance is better seeing that God gives it. We are so swamped with everyone's thoughts, opinions, our own self-hatred, and many others.

One things I know is, "'All things are lawful for me,'" but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful for me,' but I will not be dominated by anything" (1 Corinthians 6:12).

Do Not Engage

                                                                                                                                           

So many fingers are pointed at people who really tries to be better. Who really tries to do what Jesus did, but we are just giving them a chance? Damn, we ourselves are not given a chance. It’s tough inside you, and it’s so tough out there. We want love, but we ourselves do not want to show love. We want people to stay but, we don’t want to stay a minute longer when the going gets tough. We want forgiveness, we actually expect forgiveness even though it’s undeserved but we refuse to forgive the one who really needs it. Some people cannot move on if they haven’t been forgiven by a person. It literally cuts them into pieces on the inside.

We want grace but just don’t want to be gracious to others and just continue to cast the stones. We have been betrayed by many on many occasions, and what do we do, we decide to fight back wit that same fire. Yes, I’m writing this but you know what, I’m struggling too. I’m struggling with all of the above and I thank God for GRACE.

SOLUTION TO THE ABOVE:

If we want to be like Jesus, be the one that stays when everyone walks away.

Be the one who forgives, when it is undeserved.

Be the one to show grace when everyone else is casting stones.

Be the one to show love, even when they betray you, because that is what Jesus would do.

This solution is something to really work on. It will be very hard at first, because for many centuries this has been an ongoing struggle but believe me, it can be done.

Look at Paul the apostle. Persecutor of Christ followers, CHANGED FOREVER. Paul admits that the human nature is the one taking over and sin lives in it. (Romans 7:15-25 GNB)

The human nature also believes that the Law is right and forgets that Grace came. We are distracted by so many things. We want to take on too much and, we focus on everything others does. We cannot go one day without watching their statuses, their IG stories, their Facebook posts and we really get upset because what they put up their ruins our whole day and the story isn’t even about us personally. Some of the stories are though, experienced it myself many times, but what is the right thing for me to do? DO NOT view them then I won’t get upset. Our human nature is a massive problem. It rules us.

The human nature and the spiritual nature are like two dogs inside of us fighting. One must win. Who do you think wins? THE ONE WE FEED THE MOST! Many times, it’s the human nature. How can we stop this, DO NOT ENGAGE in the battle? You are absolutely right. Everything outside of our control weighs us down. Lay it aside. Shake it off. BE FREE. The child that angers you, the husband that angers you, that colleague that provokes you or who’s just angry at you for whatever reason you can’t think of, walk away.

My heart definitely feels lighter after this massive reminder. I hope you feel light?

 

 

Low but it will always be Me vs Me

It’s just the most horrible thing when people make you feel you are indebted to them. They did something for you when you had a great need, but you just can’t shake the feeling that you have to constantly be their slave. Let me tell you, they don’t remind you of it with their words, but that unspoken language(attitude) sure makes it very clear that somehow you have not settled your debt. Yeah we are human and we have those tendencies and I know when a person is trying their utmost to dispose of those ways, but my goodness, it’s for sure an ongoing thing.

 

I feel more that this post is not a lesson, but a complaint. A complaint to myself, just to get this out of my system, and putting it on paper sure feels like I’m releasing something.

You know the Bible tells me and continuously reminds me that I am no longer a slave especially to another human being. “Christ has liberated me into freedom. Therefore, I will not fall back into a yoke of slavery” Galatians 5:1, but yet I feel like a slave because I’m reminded of it.

It literally feels as if my heart is breaking inside my chest and I really want it to stop. One thing I know for sure is, that as long as I focus on their unspoken language, I will never experience the freedom that I'm meant to. 

I have to overcome yet again these emotions and move on. I'm reminding myself, we will always be human and we our selfish nature will always be there but, I hope and pray that when we experience someone else's pain because of our human nature, we will admit and learn that how we treat others is not what God wants. 

 

Quick Fix or process?

So, for a while I've been really great at maintaining my beautiful lengthy hair. Very proud, week after week I would blow dry my hair or just tie up my wet hair as is and off I go. Deep down in my heart I would wonder what it would feel like to wear my hair loose, in a frizz like I used too. 

And I decided to cut it off and so I did. It's short, curly, and doesn't look very nice right now. Hahahaaa!! but I'm confident it will soon. Anyway, this is not what I want to write about. I want to ask a question? Do know who you really are, or are you just going along for the ride and trying to get the perfect answer?

So I've been looking up what the meaning of "quick fix" is - an easy remedy or solution, especially a temporary one which fails to address underlying problems. A definition clear as day and to be honest, if I don't go the extreme route like cutting my hair, I would be blaming other people who couldn't blow my hair when I wanted them to or I would definitely feel I'd be loosing my identity if I cut my hair all off. People, the struggle is so real at times. 

The same with friendships when it ends and you don't get any answers from the person who ended it. The calls got less, the chatting got even lesser and it's confusing because you don't know what could've caused this amazing bond to just end. Why is it so hard to accept when this season is over? Mostly, you found something in this person that either made you stand out or you totally fabricated your identity in this relationship. 

Here's the deal...when our identity is tied to circumstances we become extremely insecure because circumstances are unpredictable and ever changing. 

Or we are sad because we never really had a present father in our lives. Based on my experiences with my dad not wanting me, I wondered what my heavenly Father’s attitude was toward me. After all, how could God just stand by and allow so much heartbreak into one little girl’s world?

It seemed every three years starting the year my dad left, there was some kind of awful tragedy that cast lingering, dark shadows into my life. Abuse. Divorce. Abandonment. Mental illness. The death of my sister. A devastating breakup. The cycle just kept going and going.

Even after I’d been a Christian for a long time and knew God loved me, I still had this nagging question about why the hard stuff had to be so painful. Was God really being good to me in this? I think C. S. Lewis said it best: “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

And it’s at this point where God just takes me to Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” 

I like that verse. And I think it helps shed some light on the reality that even if something doesn’t feel good, God can still work good from it. But verses 5 and 6 from this same chapter give me another layer of assurance:

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.

Because we continue to attached ourselves to a thing or person, we allow uninvited scenarios into our thoughts and lives. 

Because of circumstances, we choose the quick fix route instead of going through the process of becoming. For this reason, I cut my hair off knowing during this process of regrowth, I honest with myself that my hair looks like crap right now but, in 2 to 3 months time it will look amazing again all in it's natural form.

So, the process it is for me.