All the days

"And in this I give advice: It is to your advantage not..." 1Cor. 8:10

There was a time in my life, I felt very insecure about myself. I was told, I'm being crazy because I'm perfect the way I am. For me that was never good enough, especially when it came to.my hair.

I used to wear my hair straight, and it was a massive head ache for me, always looking or waiting on someone to blow dry my hair. If that person was not available, it felt Luke my world's just ended. It became a massive burden. 

Then there were the days I would decide to make my hair frizzy and when I got tired of that I would just tie it up. A few days in with tied up hair, it would then be Me against a nagging headache. What does a girl have to do to make herself love something about herself. If there's one thing liked about myself most days, it would be my hair, but only on most days. Not all, just most. #heheheheee 

The thing is, at some point I had to get to some level of loving my hair, myself and everything about me. So now, you are at this point where you finally made a decision, that I actually love my frizzy hair more than having it blowed out. I personally don't use expensive hair products, coz it doesn't work for me. I decided that it will embrace my natural hair, no matter what. And this "no matter what" doesn't just include my and my feelings about it, IT INCLUDES YOU as well. You who walk pass me some days and feel my hair is too messy for your liking and would feel you want to blowdry it, you would even do it for free. 

My point to all of this madness is, I DO NOT need your aaawhs and your oooohs, on the days my frizzy hair looks lovely, and on the days that my hair look hideous, I still will embrace my hair. It is called "back to me roots" It is my natural hair. 

This is the hairbinqas actually born with before I decided to mess it up with all kinds of chemicals, and you know what, some advice I got from hairdressers back then, "why do you want to struggle with your hair being so frizzy, there are lots of products on the market to fix these types of hair." Wow! What a shock to my system, NOW.

I know if I did not embrace my natural hair, it would always be a huge burden. But now I like my hair. I've always known I would one day go natural again, but i had to embrace the thought, coach myself and then do it. And now I am happily loving myself and my hair. 

Me being happy about naturally frizzy hair, whether it looks perfect today and a disaster tomorrow, should not be your burden. The Word of God says, it benefits me at the end of the day, because this is what I did for me. So whatever anyone's opinion or judgment toward me and my beautiful curly crown, it will never make me change my hair or my opinion about anyone deciding to go natural or straight. You do what benefits you and what you had to do to love yourself, your hair, or whatever parts on.your body. 

So with that being said,...

# Be mature enough to accept her decision she made.

# Be mature enough to focus on yourself.

# Be mature enough to know when the battle is not yours to fight.

# Be mature enough to keep your judgements to yourself.

#IAMSHE Happy and free

How do you come out.....?

It's funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn't live without, and then we fall inlove with what we thought we didn't even wanted. Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us. Don't be afraid. Have faith. Find the lesson. 

So, what we I believe, is what I will experience. If I believe there is no magic in life, then I will definitely never experience it. If I believe the miraculous is not real, then I will never accept it when I see it. If I believe I am limited in what I can do, accomplish and become, then I'll always live within the confines of my imagination. 

This has always been one of my biggest struggles and it always left me behind. 

It's really time that we think about our attitudes towards ourselves. Your attitude toward yourselves will continue to be negative because you continue to wait on others for a go-ahead. 

So, if you have been waiting for a sign that tells you which way you should be going, this is it. 

Go straight back to yourself, and know you are amazing, beautiful, and so worthy of your own love, and you don't ever have to wait for someone else to give you permission to dress up, dress done, dream, and fulfill it. 

Like Marianne Williams says:

Our deepest fear is not that we are  inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

In the face of shame

 

There was that broken year, on that broken road, and thank goodness I'm not on that broken road anymore, but I still reminisce sometimes to remind myself what roads not to take. 

I have not been myself for a long time, and even if I pretended not to notice, my subconscious reminds me. Sometimes we abandon ourselves because that's the pattern we've always known, and it's toxic as hell, but we keep doing it. It's hard to understand but sometimes familiar feels like love, and God....

I've been trying to love myself my whole life, and I'm telling you now, the hardest thing I've ever done is unlearn all those patterns and teach ME the right way to love. So many shameful moments. Hand over my face moment. Hands in my hair moments. But all those moments made me realize my many flaws, too many to mention and those flaws are so much larger through my own eyes. But the one flaw that suffocated me slowly was the way I gave too much to other people who only deserved me for a season. There's always been a stubbornness that never allowed me to learn my lesson. That was another in the face of shame moment for me but, NOW I KNOW, LESSON LEARNT!!

Shame is a painful feeling we all experience at one time or another. It often involves a deep-rooted fear that someone is going to find out about a mistake we made or a character flaw we have. When we feel shame, we want to hide from everyone. And it can lead to isolation and suffering. Sometimes the shame has nothing to do with what you did. You did nothing but shame is still there. Shame for me is most evident when someone knows you have a need but they have all the control and it hurts even more when you walk into a room knowing everyone knows that the need you have was cut off just like that. They walk with their head held high and you sit in the face of shame. 

In the face of shame is when people say, "they have no idea how bad they hurt you." yes they do love. They know exactly how bad they hurt you. That's why they had to disappear on you even though you see them everyday still. For them right now it's hard to look at you when they know they've destroyed some part within you. So my darling, don't ever think they don't know how bad they've hurt you. But you my darling, learn to do better. 

If you know you can help someone, no matter the situation, don't ever let that person walk around with shame that's hurting them. 

  

Does this reflect a person that love themselves?

 

The fact that you're still alive and on this earth even though it's been challenging and rough and sometimes you get discouraged and uninspired to keep going. 

GOD HAS A PLAN! You will grow through what you grow through. 

Everything that you're going through at some point makes no sense to you right now but at some point God is gonna reveal to you why all of these issues, challenges and problems continue to show up, and what you're suppose to learn from it. 

Again, you will grow through what you go through. 

Just because you go to sleep at night doesn't mean you're resting. You close your eyes at night and you're asleep physically doesn't mean that you're actually resting. And the reason you don't rest is because everything and everybody is and around your life is so full of issues, problems, insecurities, disfunction, negativity, your mind and your spirit is in constant turmoil. Issues, problems, arguments, yelling, all of this shit is going on... All day, everyday! So when you go to sleep at night you're not resting. 

A lot of people would say, "I love myself" Do you really love yourself? Are these things that you're doing and the people you're hanging out with, the places and circles you're travelling in, does that reflect the person that actually love themselves? If you love yourself, why would you choose to associate with those type of people? You know what they saying behind your back. You know exactly how they operate. They know you have so much going for you yet you know how they pretend to be on your side. You know how they pretend to like you and they've made it crystal clear by sending you every sign imaginable that they could possibly send you. Because you're so desperate to have people in your life, you continue to go back. You continue to show up to everything they invite you to KNOWING WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not preaching separatism. I don't want a bunch of people to just be alone at home doing nothing with no friends and no family and nothing to do. I'm saying that at his point you are old enough and mature enough to understand the difference between good people and bad people. And when you're hanging out with negative, dark and dysfunctional people, you cannot expect yourself to go to sleep at night and rest. You cannot expect yourself to feel good about your day when you're including negative and dysfunctional people in your day. 

So what you grew up together!

So what you're childhood friends!

So what they're family!

We have a responsibility to walk in the direction of peace. I wanna laugh. I wanna smile. I wanna enjoy myself. I actually wanna feel good about the people that are around me. You have that as a choice. You actually do. You don't wake up in the morning and negativity, disfunction, problems and issues just randomly pop up. These are the people that you have decide to include in your life. So the outcome of your day, your hour, your minute, your week, your month, your year is always draining, always dysfunctional and always crazy because these are the type of people you decided to include. 

I'm talking to somebody. You don't love yourself. You can't say that you love yourself when continue to do what you do where these people are concerned. They're threatened, They're insecure. They have a problem with you but you don't even have a problem with them. They try and make you feel bad about you being blessed. They laugh about it, but they're throwing subluminal and very direct messages at you. They're jealous, they're envious, they're insecure, they're threatened by the idea that you're coming up in your life, your career and your life is advancing. 

God put people in your life for a reason, others are there for a season... and it's important that you recognize when people's seasons are over. IS THE SEASON OVER?

Again,... God put people in your life for a reason and others are there for a season. Is the season over or have you decides because you just need validation and all this shit and people and things around you? You decided to drag these random people into your the new season of your life. 

You have a boat and your boat is at capacity. In order for your boat to not sink and go under water, that could be your life, your personal life, your career, your relationship. Is that relationship over? Do you feel mentally, spiritually and emotionally stimulated in tis relationship?

Then... Now

A general post of my thoughts but with so much meaning and definitely not to be taken lightly.

The year 1914 to 1921 Worls War 1 happened. World War 2 started in 1939 to 1945. At the end of the year 1918, the world was hit with a pandemic called the Spanish flu. It was so devastating. It also killed millions of people. And I'm sure before the Spanish flu, many people were struggling to get through life. 

100 years later, people are basically still recovering from that pandemic and here the world was struck by another pandemic, Covid-19. Still the world population just want to make it day by day.

Evey single day, semone dealing with some kind of persecution, advertising, or a hatred that is actually killing many. 

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”

This is what the says but with all honestly, JOY is someday very far from my mind. It's not even on the agenda. I sometimes feel I just want to get through my days, be on my bed knowing tomorrow is another day but no matter what, we have to count it all joy. 

With all that's happening now whether in the world or my personal life, I 100% take comfort I this next scripture.

Eclesiastes 1:9 

What has happened before will happen again. What has been done before will be done again. There is nothing new in the whole world.

My friend, whether you're treated bad by family, friends, colleagues or when life just gets so difficult remember, this very issue will happen again. So my advise to us is, let us make sure we find joy through it all. Make sure you pass every test. Because the Bible says, it will happen again. 

When the trial does come, you will most definitely handle it better. 

Remember, when you have peace, you are in a position of power. 

The choice remains yours when that trial reoccur.

That Weapon

 

...and there will be people that hurt you. Listen, your job is not to hurt them back. Your job is to forgive. Your job is to give it over to the Lord and show them grace. And I know, I know they might've hurt you pretty bad, but listen when you don't forgive and you don't give it over to the Lord, that is walking in rebellion. 

Do not walk that route against God. How can God bless you in fullness if you allow your heart to be hardened and no longer listen to the grace that He shows you every single day. Do not allow somebody else's actions to harden your heart with the Lord. You hear me? 

Grace is the weapon that disarms the darkness. Let grace fill the gap.

"Teach me your way oh Lord, that I may walk in your truth. Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

Whither or Bloom?

Years ago Facebook had this game called Farmville, and everyone was obsessed with this game. I've tried playing it many times but just couldn't get pass a certain point....and I remember I was so fascinated with people mastering this game. 

There were a few people that were so good at this game, and they would harvest many crops...and I remember one of the beautiful ladies in my circle saying "Just as I'm growing my crops on this game and then harvesting, this is how my life grows, this is how I reap the fruits and rewards." 

and I remember how fascinated I was. Then one day, it hit me, I don't see much if not any growth in those people playing Farmville. I then questioned, how can our lives be compared to a game? Here's the thing, there are people out there so obsessed by playing games with others' lives and here being ignorant to this, you think it's so cool. My darling, Farmville was a game and there is no way you can ever or should ever compare your personal life to a game especially if you don't see any fruits in real life. However, one or two of those people have amazing visible and real fruits in their lives. And that is very inspiring. 

I finally gave up on desiring to play or master Farmville and tried to focus on my real personal life. It was quite a mess I tell you. 

Coming back to planting and harvesting... I wasn't even good at it in real life. I would plant and it just wouldn't grow. I was so frustrated. I soon realized, I needed to get my focus and mentality right. One major thing I realized is, when there is frustration, there cannot be manifestation. And when there are no manifestation, stagnation kicks in. This was the last place I wanted to be. In fact, this was a place I never wanted to but, there I was so deep in and didn't know how to get out. 

Then I was smacked in the face with a this quote "If a flower doesn't bloom, are you going to blame the flower for not blooming or are you going to fix the environment?" So, will you continue to blame others or just be patient with yourself while working on yourself?

I'm sitting here writing, thinking to myself how good I am with growing plants and flowers. Out of one plant, I have grown three beautiful other plants. I have several vegetables in my garden and I'm literally harvesting vegetables and herbs. I doubted my ability to do the things I thought I couldn't for a very long time. 

I had to grow mentally. I had to start loving myself again. I had to speak life in myself again. I had to change my mind again. AND NOW, I am ready to grow plants, herbs, vegetables and harvest them. 

And as she fell apart, her shattered pieces began to bloom, blossoming until she became herself exactly as she was meant to be. 

Human Beings

 

The biggest issue human beings have is, they cannot control their thoughts and emotions. 

I see it daily and it's very hard for some people not to put their thoughts out there for the world to see. The minute you do that, you give others permission to feel sorry for you. You give others permission to comment and bad mouth the person you have those thoughts and emotions towards. That's now to say if your thoughts or emotions are directed to someone or any situation. 

The realize the simplest way to bring balance to your thoughts and emotions is to have an unwavering commitment to something else. It will be hard in the beginning but definitely not impossible. Every thought, every reverberation you create on the level of the mind changes the chemistry of your body and you know what, others pick it up. They either see peace or they see resistance and resentment in your whole being. 

If we cannot keep our minds peaceful, how on earth will this relationships and the world be peaceful? Everything outside is a reflection of the human mind. 

A small portion of my conclusion, many things come up against you and if you are too serious about everything, you will only know thoughts and emotions. You will not know life. 

More certain than ever

 

 

 

When I look back to years ago, I am convinced that should’ve put an end to it then. When you’re busy being so focused on what everyone would say, your life was hanging in the balance. Your focus was tampered with by your very own emotions and we all know what they say about those kind of emotions.

EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT!

And now they’re watching. What’s your next step? Many people don’t understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in your head because you don’t always understand it either but now, finally understand I will continue to suffer if I don’t make that final decision. I was taken back to when Elijah was battling depression. God didn’t send him and Angel to preach to him. God didn’t send him an Angel to condemn him for feeling that way. He sent an Angel to comfort him while he was RESTING.

Maya Angelou said, “You may not control all events that happen around you and to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

So for now, don't stress about anything. Stop listening to what the world says you should do. While guarding your heart, listen to it. There are only a few people in this world that will stay true to you, you are the most important one of them all. Listen to your own voice, your own soul and not to the noise of the world. Deep inside, you know what you want, let no one decide that for you. 

 

 

The unknown burden

 

Until you release the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually the bleeding will be so much that you cannot and don't know how to stop it. You can continue to blame and point fingers, it will not stop. The bleeding will leave a massive stain which no one can clean out. You must find the strength to open your wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you captive in your past, the memories and make peace with them. 

You will continue to blame and point a finger. 

Right now I'm loving the peace in my life and it's not because I made a life changing decision, I allowed someone else to make that decision for me. Normally I would say, "don't allow others to make rules for your life, but in this case it was so good for me. A massive burden has been lifted. A burden I thought was normal. A burden I didn't know was my ultimate downfall. Today, I want to say thank you to God for allowing this burden to be lifted. 

So now, I give myself permission to rest. I was never responsible to fix everything that is broken. I do not have to try and make others happy. I now take time for me. It's time for me to replenish and you should to.

On Another Note

I feel I should probably kick some ass today. Not a person’s ass though. I’m not into kicking people. I feel I should do this day. This day wants to be embraced by me. This day can only get better if I allow it to. So, I have this feeling within me that happy days are here. Yesterday day not here anymore. In fact, yesterday was a day I feel I would repeat if I have to but, I will then choose not to dwell on the events of the moment for too long. It’s so funny looking back to yesterday’s events. It could’ve been so much worse have I allowed myself to completely loose myself and I’m so glad I did not.

I’m here, I’m excited for what’s to come and, it’s going to be great. I’m sure my mental health will be challenged still by certain events, but I am so honoured to be given daily chances. I have a family I totally adore and love. I have an amazing job with amazing people I work with daily and I wouldn’t change it, well, unless God instructs me to.

 

So my point is, I know life can be tough on you too and not just on me, but I will not be the one who makes life hard for any person on this earth. It makes me completely and utterly happy to see people do good in this world. It makes me ecstatic to see people achieve what they’ve prayed for, for many years. It makes me happy when I see people smile when they see me or when I see you.

It make me happy that there are people who don’t even have to try or pretend to be happy, those people are just sincerely kind when they see you. These are the people that just makes every day better and brighter. Those are the people that gives you the permission to want to be happy, with absolutely no restriction at all.

So on that note, that’s the person I strive to be.